


Tom and Carl Buy a TV

by theunwillingheart



Series: Perfect Wizard Gentlemen [1]
Category: Young Wizards - Diane Duane
Genre: Electronics, Humor, Other, perfect wizard gentlemen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-31 22:14:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10908504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theunwillingheart/pseuds/theunwillingheart
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin.(Okay, maybe not.)Spoilers for the fact that Tom and Carl have an entertainment system.  Oh no!





	Tom and Carl Buy a TV

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry. I had to?
> 
> Disclaimer: Beautiful characters don’t belong to me— _take them away, Diane Duane! I don’t deserve them!_

On a bright summer day in Nassau County, two Senior wizards walked into their local electronics store.  One of them took in the air-conditioned, glowing, flashing environment with enthusiasm and a spring in his step.  The other lagged behind, considerably less excited.

“Remind me again,” said Tom Swale to his partner in wizardry, “what are we doing here?”

“We need to buy a new TV,” answered Carl Romeo patiently, as he breezed past racks of cool-looking noise-cancellation headphones.

“Right.”  Tom cocked his head to one side as he examined a whirling gadget that looked more like it belonged on an alien planet than a store shelf.  “And why is that?”

“Because the old one broke.”  Carl peered around, then headed in what he must have thought was the right direction.

“That’s the video games,” said Tom, pulling Carl back by the shoulder.  “Over there.”  He pointed to a sign that said “Home Entertainment Systems: TV screens and speaker setups”, then resumed his questioning.  “And _why_ did the TV break?”

Carl was beginning to look uncomfortable.  “Uh… because of a localized electromagnetic pulse.”

“Which happened _because…_ ”

Carl threw up his hands.  “I was trying to fix the blinds!  So sue me!”

“With electromagnetics.”  Tom’s expression was flat.  “We are buying a new TV because you tried to _fix the blinds_ with _electromagnetics_.  I just—I can’t—”

“It _almost_ worked,” said Carl sullenly.

“Right.”  Tom knew how to pick his battles, and now was not the time.  “Anyway, do we really need this?  We rarely have the time to watch television these days.  I thought we were turning into the kind of people who pride themselves on not owning a TV.”

“Nope!” replied Carl.  “We’re turning into the kind of people who pride themselves on not being the kind of people who pride themselves on not owning a TV.”  He eyed a sleek flat-screen with interest.  “Besides,” he added, “we both make a living off of television.  Owning a TV is probably legally required, or something.”

“At least as punishment for inflicting television on the rest of society,” said Tom wryly.

_Ooh, me!  Pick me!_ said the flat-screen in front of Carl.  _Get me out of here; I can’t take any more of them!_

_Oh, no,_ said a grouchy-looking monitor beside it, _It’s_ my _turn.  I’ve been here long enough, and I have totally_ had _it_!

_I don’t know,_ said a smaller, lower-budget television, _Maybe you could pick me?_ It reconsidered, then added shyly, _Uh, you probably don’t want me, though, sorry…_

Carl frowned.  “What seems to be the problem, guys?” he asked.

_WIZARDS!_ came the enthusiastic reply from several screens and speakers at once.

_Maybe you could help us?_ asked the shy television.  _Everyone’s really agitated._

Tom and Carl looked at each other.  “Whaddya say?” asked Carl.  “Feel up to it?”

“For once,” said Tom, “I’d like to just be… _off the clock_.”  But he was smiling.  It had been a long time since they had personally undertaken a joint project out in the community, instead of overseeing other practitioners’ projects.

Tom turned back to the equipment.  “Sure thing, guys,” he said.  “What’s the matter?”

_THEM_ , boomed a loudspeaker to the right of Tom.  _They are being totally unbelievable_.  Without moving, it indicated a setup in the middle of the department.

Tom and Carl moved inward, toward the source of the problem.  It didn’t take long for them to find what the rest of the electronics had been “talking” about.  Right in the center of the Home Entertainment section was what was clearly the star display of the lot, a paired screen and stereo system that promised to “Turn your living room into a private theatre!” according to the attached signage.  At the moment, though, the entire arrangement seemed intent on turning the surrounding area into a not-so-private epilepsy and migraine disaster zone.  The screen was flashing erratically in colors both on and off the visible light spectrum, and the speakers were cheering it on with deafening bravado.

_Whoo!_ yelled the speakers, _Just look at my baby go!  I love you, baby doll!_

Somehow, the screen managed to do the impossible, and began flashing even more rapidly, _And I love you too, honey bear!_

_Good grief!_ shouted a speaker in the back corner.  _I can hear you all the way from here!  Get a_ room _, already!_

_Not that anyone_ would _give them a room,_ added the sleek flat screen.  _Who would want to buy_ that _disgusting mess?_

“Lovebirds.” Tom shook his head.  “Electronic PDA.”

“The glamorous lives of Senior wizards,” sighed Carl.

The flickering of the screen grew haughty and self-righteous.  _Ignore them, sweetie-poo,_ it cooed.  _They are all just_ jealous _of our_ love!

_Oh sure,_ shot back the grumpy monitor, _just wait until your lover over there meets a newer, sleeker version.  Then we’ll see who’s jealous of whose love._

Tom looked around at the dysfunctional store section.  “Tag team?” he asked his partner.

“Heck yeah.”  Carl cracked his knuckles.

The two of them split up.

Tom approached the central display.  “Hey, guys,” he said, trying to sound casual and conversational, “Do you mind toning it down a little?  Your neighbors are getting annoyed, and the sensory overload is probably bad for sales.”

_But we love each other!_ boomed the speakers angrily.  _There’s nothing wrong with that!_

“No, no, of course not,” said Tom.  “But you should still be mindful of how much of a display you make of it in front of others.  Being in love is not an excuse for being obnoxious—”

_You wouldn’t_ understand! blinked the screen dramatically.  _It’s impossible to contain!_

Tom rolled his eyes.  “Everyone who falls in love thinks that they are the first ones to ever do so,” he said, “but they aren’t, and neither are you.”

_How dare you!_ shrieked the speakers.

_This is preposterous!_ screamed the screen.

“Not,” added Tom hastily, “that that makes it any less special—”  

_THEN WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!_

Meanwhile, Carl was handling the rest of the department.

“Lay off them a little while, okay?” he said.  “They’ll grow out of it eventually.  Just be patient with them.  Lovebirds can be total knuckleheads sometimes.  Don’t let it rile you up.”

_But this is absurd!_ whined the grouchy monitor.  _It’s totally indecent!_

Carl shrugged.  “They’re getting carried away.  It’s understandable.  And you,” he added, turning to address the grouchy one in particular, “no more of those nasty comments.  That was uncalled for.  They deserve the benefit of the doubt.”

_But it’s not fair_ , whimpered the small television.  _As it is, it’s hard enough being me.  A family called me “cheap” the other day.  It was so embarrassing!  It’s already tough, being tiny, and unloved, and unwanted—_ and it had no eyes, but somehow it managed to burst into tears.

“Oh, hey, no,” Carl broke into a sweat.  “No no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no, please don’t cry, come on…”

Just then, Tom and Carl heard another voice.

“Hello, police?  There’s a pair of adult males walking around our store and talking to the merchandise.  Or something.  I think it’s in a different language, but I don’t want to go too close to them.”

Tom and Carl exchanged nervous glances.

One of the male sales clerks was eyeing them from a distance and talking into his mobile phone.  Several customers were arrayed behind him, staring at them.  “I think they might be crazies escaped from the local psych ward.  Or druggies?  Also, maybe members of the Mafia?” He paused.  “No, they haven’t tried to hurt anyone.  Yet.  Look, they’re scaring me and freaking out our customers.  Please, just… come over here and take them away.  Please?”

“Hey,” said Tom, walking towards him.

“Wait,” said Carl, holding one hand up to the clerk.

_BACK OFF!_ cried the TVs in unison.

_DON’T TOUCH OUR WIZARDS!_ blasted the speakers simultaneously.

The resulting BOOM shook the whole store, shocking everyone.

Fifteen years earlier, Tom and Carl would have been able to manage a situation like this without working up a sweat.  Fifteen years earlier, both of them would have had memory removal spells at the ready, as well as at least five different explanations for what they were doing, none of which would have been complete lies.  Fifteen years earlier, this would have been just another day’s work.

But, as their slowing bodies and dwindling power levels kept reminding them, this was not fifteen years earlier.  This was right now.

And what Tom and Carl did right now was _run_.

 “Oh, sure!” huffed Tom, as he pounded for the door.  “’Let’s go buy a new TV,’ you said!  ‘It’ll be fun,’ you said!”

“The old TVs didn’t used to have this much _sentience_ ,” Carl shot back, keeping pace.  “They didn’t used to make this much trouble!”

They dashed out the front doors, the sound of shouts not far behind them.  Tom began to make for the car.

“No, not that way.”  Carl pushed Tom ahead of him into an alley between stores.

Tom shook his head.  “No way, man.  I’ve been at it all week.  I don’t have the energy for this.  And neither do you.”

“Sure we do!” said Carl.  “And what’s the point of a privet hedge if we don’t use it ourselves occasionally?”

“Carl, this is really not the time for a mid-life crisis—”

Carl glared at him.  “I’m _thirty-four_!”

_That’s well past mid-life_ , Tom thought grimly, _for people in our profession._

But before Tom could make a remark about mortality rates and life expectancies, Carl had vanished with a small _pop_ of inrushing air.

Tom frowned, braced himself, said three words, and vanished as well.

He appeared in their backyard, winded, and immediately fell into a sitting position.

Carl was lying on the ground a few feet in front of him, breathing hard.  “I’m… gonna… definitely feel that, in the morning,” he croaked.

“Forget… the morning,” Tom groaned.  “I might not _see_ the morning.  I’m feeling it right now.”  And he lay down on his back, catching his breath.

They stayed like that for a while, resting, until Carl spoke up again.

“Aw, man,” he said to the sky, “We didn’t end up accomplishing either of the things we set out to do.  Didn’t get a TV.  Didn’t resolve the conflict.”

“I’ve got an idea,” said Tom.  “We go back in there tomorrow—with identity-cloaking spells in place, of course—and buy that infernal entertainment system.  Kill two birds with one stone.”

“Is that what we do now, in our old age?” asked Carl, doubtful.  “Throw money at our problems?”  He sighed in exasperation.  “And _hard-earned_ money, at that!”

“Need I remind you,” said Tom to his partner in crime, “that we would not have had to spend any of that money had you not tried to _fix the blinds with electromagnetics!_ ”

“Alright, already, lay off.”  Carl pushed himself up.  “I can’t believe that clerk called the cops on us.”

“ _Seriously_.” Tom stood and brushed himself off.  “I mean, really now.  Do we really come across as a threat to public safety?”  He straightened his collar and rolled his shoulders back.  “Just _look_ at us.  We’re clearly men of class and high culture.”

“Yeah.”  Carl grinned lopsidedly.  “We don’t even own a TV.”

**Author's Note:**

> These guys are so much fun. I could write banter for them all day.


End file.
